The Silent Tongue {Day 30} - THE END

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Thirty - The Silent Tongue

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... a time to be silent and a time to speak - Ecclesiastes 3:1,7

Not all silence is golden.  The previous devotions/Bible studies on Taming Your Tongue were to encourage us to abstain from various negative uses of the tongue.  By now you may have concluded you will never be able to say more than a few words for the rest of your life if you are to tame the little unruly member that sets the course of your destiny.  If you have decided a vow of silence is your only hope, read on...

Talking is absolutely essential to maintaining effective relationships.  As a child, your parents or teachers may have drilled into your head the proverb that "silence is golden."  The truth is that this is a half-quoted proverb.  The complete saying is, "Speech is silver, silence is golden." While keeping one's mouth shut is a great virtue, effective communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to the body.  To say, "speech is silver" implies that speaking has significant value.  Silver was once a primary medium of exchange, just as currency is today.  It was used to trade one value for another.  When we talk, it should be an exchange of valuable information.  All the previous TYT devotions/Bible studies have highlighted various types of negative communications that provided no value.  Let's now focus on those instances in which silence has no value.

Silence is not golden when one uses it as a passive, retaliatory means of expressing his anger or displeasure with a situation.  In fact, such silence is a direct violation of our Lord's command to confront those who offend us.

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone;  if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother - Matthew 18:15

Jesus is recommending pretty assertive behavior in commanding us to take the initiate in addressing an offense or a trespass.  Trespassing is an unauthorized crossing of  boundary.  Many times we feel we have been trespassed or wronged, but rather than discussing the issue with the offender, we resort to sulking and pouting.  Women are especially prone to keeping silent as most have been socialized to think it is unladylike to be so direct as to say, "I was offended by your actions.  Please don;t do that again."  Unfortunately, this lack of communication leaves many offenders totally unaware that their behavior has negatively affected us.  Thus, they are more likely to repeat the offense.

Silence is not golden when we refuse to defend someone against unwarranted criticism or vicious rumors.  We cannot let our fear of alienation or rejection cause us to allow slander and character assassinations when we are well aware of facts to the contrary. 

Silence is not golden when it results in us making an undesirable decision by default.  After all, silence can indicate consent.  Prayer was taken out of public schools in the United States because the majority kept quiet and did not protest.  In the book of Numbers, Moses reiterated that silence is indeed consent.  He gave instructions on how to deal with single women who made vows:

When a young woman still living in her father's house makes a vow to the Lord or obligates herself by a pledge and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, the all her vows and every pledge by which she obligated herself will stand.  But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand; the Lord will release her because her father has forbidden her - Numbers 30:3-5

He went on to instruct in verses 10-15 that the same rules applied to a married woman.  Her vow was to stand if her husband failed to protest it in a timely manner.  His silence gave consent to her actions.

A Japanese proverb states, "Silent worms dig holes in the walls."  To keep silent when one should be speaking is a sure way to dig holes in your relationships.

Today's Affirmation:

I will not keep silent when I should be speaking.

(Personally, I do not have THIS malady.  But it serves as a nice reminder to those who may suffer from it.)



The Indiscreet Tongue {Day 29}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Nine - The Indiscreet Tongue

Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you - Proverbs 2:11

One who is discreet shows prudence and wise self-restraint in speech and behavior -- and always reaps a positive consequence.  Indiscretion can be costly.  Some subject matters should simply be off limits for discussion.  You would be wise to never discuss your salary or bonus --especially with other company personnel.  Your sex life should also be off limits as an item of discussion with a non-counseling outsider.

Have you ever found out something about a leader or other prominent person and could not refrain from telling someone?  If God has trusted you enough to reveal someone's nakedness or sin, have you ever considered that you were not to "see" and "tell" but rather to cover that nakedness with discretion and intercession?  It can be a very uncomfortable position.  God may even call you to confront the individual regarding his or her wrongdoing.  He did so with Nathan the prophet, who confronted David about his adultery with Bathsheba and his subsequent murder of her husband to cover it up (2 Samuel 12).  Whatever God mandates, do it His way.  A public revelation is not always necessary as it can cause irreparable damage to the body of Christ.  David's sin with Bathsheba never became the topic of a public scandal.  However, David suffered the consequences through his family and other areas of his life.  A leader's punishment is God's business.

Caution!  If you serve in a position of authority, such as a member of a board of directors, then you have a responsibility to deal with ungodly behavior in a leader.  Confront with love and compassion.  No one is perfect, and no one has 20/20 vision on himself.  Remember that.  God may someday show someone your nakedness.  Pray that it will be handled with wisdom.  Plant the seed of discretion now.

Today's Affirmation:

My discretion will protect me and understanding will guard me.

The Loquacious Tongue {Day 28}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Eight - The Loquacious Tongue

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise - Proverbs 10:19

Have you ever talked to someone who seemed to have diarrhea of the mouth?

OK - STOP

I've had a very tough week and today at book club I fond myself discussing another touchy topic and now my devotion is slapping me in the face mouth? - I had to get that out, I'm gonna do this now, please continue.

(Ahem)  Have you ever talked to someone (or been someone) who seemed to have diarrhea of the mouth?  On and on she goes, from one topic to another.  Well, know from henceforth that the proper word for this malady is "loquaciousness."  It's just a big word for a "motor mouth" (ok, ouch!)  While it is generally concluded that females have cornered the market on this use of the tongue, men can be guilty too.  When in the presence of an incessant talker, it makes one wonder if that person is lonely (owe), has few opportunities to talk to others (adults), or just plain loves the sound of her own voice (not me, I pray that one's not me!).  Whatever the motivation, excessive talking tends not to glorify God.  The apostle Paul admonished the Thessalonians to study to be quiet - Thessalonians 4:11 To "study" implies a striving or intense effort. It will take some work to overcome this entrenched habit. 

(Nice, some practice techniques)

If in the midst of your conversation you find yourself veering down the path of loquaciousness, try these quick detours:

• Simply stop talking and ask the other person an open-ended question that would cause him to respond with more than a simple yes or no.  For example, "John, what do you think about...?"
• Make the talking count.  Make your motto "I am not a woman of few words, but I love to talk about things of God."  Share an interesting news story you've heard or an insight God has given you on a Scripture.  For example, rather than succumbing to a negative conversation, I will keep telling everyone about my "tongue fast" and the truths God has revealed from His Word during my search of the Scriptures.  Hopefully they'll listen with great interest and benefit.

Today's Affirmation:

When my words are many, sin is not absent, but when I hold my tongue, I am considered wise.

(Honestly, this does not help me today - I will have to revisit this one most frequently out of all these day's devotions, I think.  How's that for being transparent?)

The Doubting Tongue {Day 27}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Seven - The Doubting Tongue

For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be removed and be cast into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says - Mark 11:23

If we ever hope to tame a doubting tongue, we must become familiar with the promises of God.  Words of doubt come out of an unbelieving heart.  Of course, merely knowing the promises of God is not enough; we must become proficient at declaring them.  Faith comes by hearing - Romans 10:17  The more we declare our unbelief, the more reinforced it becomes.  The more we assert our confidence in a positive outcome, the more our faith increases.  Because we will believe what we constantly hear, we must take personal responsibility for what we hear.  We may have to limit --or eliminate-- our contact with individuals who tend to express negativity about various outcomes, goals, or results we desire.

Often our words of doubt originate out of our tendency to act in self-confidence.  Self-confidence is a concept touted by the world that tells us we must rely on our own skills and abilities.  This is a direct contradiction to King Solomon's warning He who trusts in himself is a fool - Proverbs 28:26  When we face a challenge and quickly assess our own ability to conquer it, we will most likely come up short -- and doubting.  We must be on guard not to give our doubts substance by declaring them.

If the spirit of unbelief plagues you, I challenge you to get a good study Bible and to search the Scriptures for verses relating to your areas of concern.  Write down a passage, meditate on it often, and memorize it.  This sounds simple but it's not easy.  Some doubts die hard.  we must be persistent in declaring our victory.

What are some things you find yourself speaking about in a doubtful way?  Is it the fear of pursuing a career or task for which you feel inadequate?  The hopelessness of forging an amicable relationship with a difficult person?  The seemingly impossible task of getting into shape?  Perhaps you have resorted to being a Doubting Thomas who would only believe what he could touch (see John 20:25)

God's children are to live by faith -- in God.  We cannot afford to get stymied in the "sense realm" of what we can see and feel.  Our doubts can deter our destiny.

Our attitudes and conversations will change when we face the reality that apart from God we can do absolutely nothing.  Decide today to skip the skepticism, doubt the doubts, and believe the best!

Today's Affirmation:

Anything is possible for me if I believe.  Therefore, I will declare my faith rather than discuss my doubts.



The Discouraging Tongue {Day 26}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Six - The Discouraging Tongue

When they were discouraged, I smiled at them.  My look of approval was precious to them - Job 29:24

Have you ever dampened someone's hope, confidence, or enthusiasm by raising objections to his proposed action?  An untold number of individuals have missed their destiny because of someone's discouraging words.  Teachers have dashed the dreams of students who had mediocre grades or other shortcomings.  Would-be inventors abandoned their pursuit of innovative ideas ideas once family members and society ridiculed them.  I do not believe that people who have dissuaded others in such a manner deliberately intended to discourage them, but rather spoke out of their own lack of faith in God's ability to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us - Ephesians 3:20

Discouragement has wreaked havoc for ages.  What about you?  When you see others faced with negative circumstances, do you lose hope in their ability to succeed?  Further, can you listen to someone's dreams and plans without making disheartening remarks?  This is not to say that you should not question the viability of an idea that seems to have no merit, nor fail to offer objective input to warn against potential failure,  However, a well-phrased question can be much more effective that a straight out "That's impossible!"  For example, asking a young entrepreneur, "How did you determine the market for your product?" sounds better than, "Gee, I don't think many people would be interested in that!"

Even if you cannot envision the dreams of another, at least agree to stand in faith with him for God's perfect will to be done regarding the proposed endeavor.  Henry Ford once said that the ability to encourage others is one of life's biggest assets.  Think of the people who have encouraged you during your lifetime and what a positive effect their words had had on you.  In a world plagued with negativity, everyone needs a little encouragement from time to time.  Make a conscious effort to always speak sincere words of affirmation, support, and inspiration to those within your circle of concern.

If, perchance, you are confronted by a discourager, do not let him derail your destiny.  Very graciously let him know your eyes are fixed on God, who specializes in doing the impossible.  Better yet, be highly selective of those with whom you share your dreams.  Their lack of initiative and faith, and even their envy, may very well cause you to abort your plans.

Today's Affirmation:

Worry weighs a person down: but my encouraging words will cheer him up.



The Accusing Tongue {Day 25}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

--I'm sure that after reading The Whole Story you can understand why I didn't get to this yesterday, but I'll get caught up.--

Day Twenty-Five - The Accusing Tongue

The accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down - Revelation 12:10

Have you ever charged someone with wrong-doing before you established evidence of his guilt? When you do so, you fall into the same pattern as Satan, the official accuser of God's children.

Emotional and spiritual maturity dictate that you must seek first to understand rather than making an accusation.  Look at the example God set in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve blew it. He could have easily said, "Adam and Eve, you ungrateful sinners, I should never have trusted you in my garden!" God's non-accusatory style in confronting Adam and Eve about their trespass provides a powerful model for those of us who tend to accuse before obtaining all the facts of the matter.
Then the Lord God called Adam and said to him, "Where are you?" So he said, "I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." And He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?" - Genesis 3:9-11
Now one can't help but note that God already knew the answer to each of the three questions He asked Adam. Notwithstanding, He gave Adam an opportunity to explain his behavior. Asking a clarifying question and listening to the response are key steps in overcoming an accusing tongue. I repeat, ask, and listen.
Has anyone ever accused you falsely? Have your motives been called into question when you knew they were pure? How should you respond to such injustice? Well, the first step is to ask God's guidance as to whether to proclaim your innocence and the best way to do so. If the lie has affected someone, you might explain to that person that the accusation is simply not true. You have no control over whether or not they believe you. Also, if you are not certain who the perpetrator is, do not waste your energy trying to find the source of the lie. Know that all lies originate with Satan. Period.

Today's Affirmation:
With God's help, today I will tune my ears to wisdom and concentrate on understanding. I will cry out for insight and understanding. I will search for them as I would for lost money or hidden treasure.

The Retaliating Tongue {Day 24}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Four - The Retaliating Tongue

Don't repay evil for evil.  Don;t retaliate when people say unkind things about you.  Instead, pay them back with a blessing.  That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it - 1 Peter 3:9

There is nothing as easy as verbal retaliation.  Of course, the thrill of it is only a fleeting pleasure for those who love God; the remorse for succumbing to this sin tends to linger.  The root meaning of the word "retaliate" is to "return the punishment."  The Bible is very clear in admonishing us to avoid retaliation.

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.  Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.  Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.  Dear friends, never avenge yourselves.  Leave that to God.  For it is written, "I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord - Romans 12:17-19

Try to stay mindful of the fact that when we decide that it is our personal responsibility to avenge the wrongs perpetrated against us, we have crossed the boundary into forbidden territory.

Today's Affirmation:

I will not repay evil for evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this I have been called so that I may inherit a blessing.

The Complaining Tongue { Day 23}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Three - The Complaining Tongue

I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord; I make supplication with my voice to the Lord.  I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him - Psalm 142:1-2

A legitimate complaint can only be resolved if you direct it to the one who can change your situation.  Only a few people who are dissatisfied, annoyed, or upset by an experience actually take steps to officially complain about it.  They prefer to waste time soliciting others to commiserate with them.  What an exercise in utility.  Not only could their input to the right person improve things for them but for others as well. 

The psalmist did not bore, frustrate, or waste the time of others with his complaints.  He declares, I pour our my complaint before Him, the one who could bring change.  Notwithstanding, even God tires of constant complaints.  Someone once said, "To swear is wicked because it is taking God's name in vain.  To murmur is likewise wicked, for it takes God's promises in vain."  During your tongue fast become aware of how often you complain about nonessential matters such as a rainy day, traffic jams, boring television programs, lazy co-workers, and so on.

Because complaining is contagious, this is a hard mouth malady to cure.  If you are a complainer, you must start to resist the constant "ain't it awful" party.  Trust me, others will be glad you did and will stop dreading conversations with you.  This is not to say you shouldn't seek an occasional sympathetic ear or wise counsel from a valued source.  However, if you are going to ignore their advice and continue to rehearse the problem each time you converse, beware.  Thy listener shall soon become weary of thee!  Whenever you feel a complaint coming on, replace it with a statement of gratitude or a declaration of Scripture you have personalized.

Today's Affirmation:

Because God works all things together for my good, according to His purpose for my life, I will not complain.



The Cursing Tongue {Day 22}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-Two - The Cursing Tongue

Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these things ought not to be so - James 3:10

Why do we use expletives as freely as we drink water?  Because we have not allowed the Holy Spirit to tame our tongues.  James, the brother of Jesus, explained it this way:  No man can tame the tongue.  It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God - James 3:8-9 

Using profane, obscene, or vulgar language is unbecoming to a child of God.  People use profanity for various reasons.  First, they often lack an adequate vocabulary with which to express themselves and therefore feel they must curse for their words to have impact.  Those who are challenged in this area must start to develop a communication style that is direct, clear, and without hostility.  They mat find that expletives are unnecessary.  Secondly, some resort to profanity to release their extreme frustration in a situation.  They have developed an ungodly pattern of expressing their displeasure and need to retrain their responses.  They would do well to decide in advance upon some alternate words to use when they find themselves reaching the peak of frustration.

Take the matter to the Lord in prayer, "Lord, I understand according to Luke 6:45 - A good person produces good deeds from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil deeds from an evil heart.  Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.  Would you please take the four-letter words out of my heart and replace them with your expressions?  I thank you in advance for purging me of profanity and for allowing the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart to be acceptable in Your sight."

Understanding that profanity resides in your heart helps us to reject the idea that a curse word "slipped" out of our mouth.  The reality is that it slipped out of our heart.  Only God can cleanse a person's heart.  If you are challenged with profanity, ask God to purify your heart and your mind.  Remember that words are verbal thoughts.  We must practice the mental discipline of casting down profane thoughts and using words that bring life to our innermost being and to others.

Today's Affirmation:

Cursing does not proceed out of my mouth.  Today I give God full charge of my tongue.  By His grace I will only speak words that will bring honor to His name.

This is the one I've been waiting for!  I am definitely one challenged with this affliction and I will be revisiting this post frequently until I can completely let go and give this over to the Holy Spirit to tame, for I cannot do it alone.  Trust me I know, I've tried -- for years!

 

The Self-Absorbed Tongue {Day 21}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty-One - The Self-Absorbed Tongue

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others - Philippians 2:4

Are most of your conversations with others centered on you and your issues?  A self-absorbed tongue will surely alienate others as almost everyone desires to be the focus of attention occasionally.  trying to have a relationship with a self-absorbed person is like trying to hug a porcupine.  Become aware of this character flaw in your communication.  Ask God to make you genuinely interested in others. 

If you find yourself involved with a self-absorbed person, try asking them to give you some advice or input about an issue that does not involve him.  If he attempts to direct the conversation to himself, quickly acknowledge his concern about the matter but change the subject to something that is not about him.  For instance, you may say, "I'm sure that this issue really concerns you.  Did you hear about...?"  If he persists, you would do well to muster the courage to say, "I really don't want to talk about that today."  You may need to be a broken record as you attempt these strategies.  After all, self-absorption dies hard.

If you admit to being the self-absorbed type, turn your desires for attention, ego boosting, and other selfish needs over to your Heavenly Shepherd, who supplies all your needs.  Make a conscientious effort to become "others absorbed."  Challenge yourself to go a whole day or more without making your issues the focus of your communication.  Give everyone you converse with your full attention, and watch your relationship deepen.

Today's Affirmation:

I look not only to my own interests, but to the interests of others.  Therefore, my issues are not the primary topic of my conversations.



The Judgmental Tongue {Day 20}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twenty - The Judgmental Tongue

Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged - Matthew 7:1-2

Judgmental people engage in a critical, fault-finding assessment of another person's behavior.  What is amazing is that they judge others by their actions but judge themselves by their intentions.  Of course, most of us tend to judge others from an autobiographical viewpoint.  If someone's behavior does not reflect a choice or decision we would have made, we judge it as wrong.

There are some people  who pass judgment on others based solely upon rumors they may have heard that may not have a modicum of truth.  Benjamin Franklin, one of America's Founding Fathers, said, "I will speak ill of no man, not even in the matter of truth, but rather excuse the faults I hear, and upon proper occasions, speak all the good I know of everybody.:  His philosophy follows the age-old parental advice:  "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

We must be careful how we discuss others.  Jesus was empathetic about His displeasure with judgmental folks.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye,"  when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye - Matthew 7:3-5

Jesus based His judgment of people's behavior on nothing other than God's standard.  This is the only basis from which we can righteously judge.  We would do well to focus more on judging ourselves than hunting for specks in the matters of others. 

Pray for those whom you observe walking contrary to God's standards -- but avoid judgment.  If you have a genuine concern for someone and have earned the right to address his or her behavior, then do so in the spirit of love.  Remember that you earn the right by consistently demonstrating your care and support.

Today's Affirmation:

I do not judge other or I will be judged.  For in the same way that I judge, I will be judged.



The Rude Tongue {Day 19}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Nineteen - The Rude Tongue

There ill be a highway called the Holt Road.  No one rude or rebellious is permitted on this road.  It's for God's people exclusively - Isaiah 35:8

What has made us so rude?  Is it the overbooked schedules, longer commuting times, demanding bosses, spoiled children, and the stress of daily living?  Perhaps our lack of patience can be attributed to the modern conveniences that allow us to do almost everything in mere seconds.  Showing patience is a rare occurrence.  Ill-mannered, discourteous communication has become standard practice -- Even among God's children.

Being rude to others is very denigrating to them and can spoil their entire day.  Whatever happened to the Golden Rule?  Do unto others as you would have them do to you - Luke 6:31  Do unto others?  Why, we do not even have time to think about others!  We are totally absorbed with our own agendas.  Many of us can be counted among cell phone users who parade around public places talking at the top of their voices as if no one else is present.  Cell phone users seem to be totally oblivious to their annoying and offensive social misconduct.  It is no wonder that many relationships are so shallow these days.

Speaking of additional acts of rudeness, what about the cashiers at the checkout stands who are so engaged in their conversations with each other that they ever offer, "hello"?  That is so rude.  And let's not forget the executive who takes phone calls during a meeting.  This is disruptive and disrespectful.

Shouldn't our love for God and the desire to represent Him well here on earth have an impact on our day-to-day behavior?  Love is patient and kind.  Love is not... rude.  Love does not demand its own way - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 

What if someone is rude to us?  Should we just let it go?  Is it biblical to address the situation or should we just grin and bear it?  While God has not called us to be a wimpy milquetoast (a very timid, unassertive, spineless person, especially one who is easily dominated or intimidated) who always rolls over and accepts rude behavior, we must confront rudeness in a direct but nonoffensive manner.  It ma not be necessary to tell a person, "You are so rude."  However, it is a good idea to let her know you are aware of her lack of graciousness at the moment.  Sometimes a well-phrased, caring questions will do the trick.  "Tough day, huh?"  Of course, if you really feel that you have been mistreated, you should report the incident to someone in authority where possible.  Some people continue their rudeness because they get away with it; reporting it may bring consequences that will ultimately change their behavior.  Most importantly, do not allow people to suck you into the vacuum of their negativity by matching their rudeness with rudeness.  There is never a justification for being rude.

If you find you tend to speak rudely to others, repent and recommit to the following Golden Rule.  Know that when you are rude, you have made a very selfish and ungodly decision that your needs or concerns are paramount to all others.

God's people are patient, considerate, and kind.  Remember that tomorrow when you encounter a person whose actions beg you to respond in an ungodly way.

Today's Affirmation:

I will slow down and take the time to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

The Intimidating Tongue {Day 18}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Eighteen - The Intimidating Tongue

The Philistine said to David, "Come to me , and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!" - 1 Samuel 17:44

David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.  This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head!" - 1 Samuel 17:45-46

The intimidator counts on his victim to wilt in the face of a verbal attack.  That's why sometimes (when it is safe) you have to let an intimidator know you refuse to be oppressed by him and that you do indeed have the God-given strength to resist his tactics.  While it may be scary to confront intimidating bullies, they will often quickly back down when someone stands up to them. 

God has never meant for anyone to oppress or dominate another person.  Note that in the Garden of Eden, He gave Adam & Eve dominion over the fish, fowl, and animals -- not over each other or other people.  God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.  Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground" - Genesis 1:28 

Although it can be a precursor to -- but usually stops short of -- physical violence, verbal intimidation can have a severe physical and emotional impact on its target.  Many victims suffer from headaches, anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, stress, fatigue, low self-esteem, and depression.  This is not how God intended His children to affect each other's lives.

Intimidators would do well to understand that their communication style only engenders resentment and subtle rebellion.  They must learn that people are more inspired to connect with someone who will support them in their weakness.

If you are an intimidator, it is time to get in touch with why you feel you need to gain power or control over others.  You may need a good professional counselor to help you get to the root cause.  Many intimidators grew up in chaotic or otherwise negative environments in which they felt powerless to change their circumstances.  They vowed they would never allow their lives to be so out of control again, so they seek control.  Others are simply a bundle of insecurities and use intimidation as a facade to mask their fears.  Whatever the cause, intimidators can never hope to have a meaningful relationship with anyone who is forced into submission.

Today's Affirmation:

Because God is in control of every aspect of my life and has set my destiny, I have no need to control the behavior of others.

The Tactless Tongue {Day 17}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Seventeen - The Tactless Tongue

Let your conversation be gracious and effective so that you will have the right answer for everyone - Colossians 4:6

While honesty is indeed the best policy, it is not a license to say whatever we want.  One of the most important skills we can develop is the ability to deal with others with sensitivity and to speak inoffensively when we find ourselves in difficult or problematic situations.

You would think that exhibiting graciousness would be an easy task for one who claims to be filled with the grace of God.  Sometimes our lack of graciousness results from the communication styles we saw modeled when we were children.    Is it ever necessary to be brutally honest?  After all, can't we be honest without being brutal?  Even Job declared in the midst of his suffering, How painful are honest words! - Job 6:25 Must pain always accompany the truth?  The extent to which a person experiences pain from being to the truth depends on numerous variables, including his degree of emotional security, his perceived worth, or his desire to grow.

We must understand that extending grace and telling the truth are not mutually exclusive concepts.  We can tell the truth tactfully.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ - John 1:17  Jesus never allowed His graciousness to prevent Him from imparting the truth. 

What about mean-spirited truthfulness?  Have you ever been intentionally tactless?  It was William Blake who said, "A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent."  Of course, it is understood that we must always be quick to apologize for our intentional and unintentional tactlessness.

Becoming a tactful person does indeed require some practice.  We may not bat a thousand right away.  When we find ourselves about to say something tactless, however, we can do what the Federal Communications Commission sometimes mandates broadcasters to do -- delay transmission.  We can review the words in our minds and evaluate their impact.  We can then choose to yield to the Holy Spirit's leading.  This practice alone will help us to develop the emotional discipline necessary for stifling tactless remarks.

Today's Affirmation:

My words are seasoned with grace as I speak the truth in love.



The Harsh Tongue {Day 16}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Sixteen - The Harsh Tongue

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger - Proverbs 15:1

Solomon says of the wise woman in the book of Proverbs - She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness - Proverbs 31:26 Speaking kindly to others was one of the core principles of this woman's life.  When you really think about it, there is never any justification for being harsh or unkind in our communication.  If we claim that God is our Father, we won't practice such behavior either.  We will deliberately choose words that are warmhearted, understanding, and sympathetic.  As a steward of the grace God has extended to us, we must in turn extend that same grace to others.  We must cultivate the habit of speaking kind words especially to those whom we feel may not deserve it -- isn't that what grace is all about?  CAUTION! This does not mean that we are to bury our heads in the sand and refuse to deal with problematic situations.  However, before we approach anyone we must go to God and get His words, which always get the desired results.  So is my word that goes out from my mouth:  It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it - Isaiah 55:11  We cannot achieve God's purpose while being harsh.

There are various degrees of harshness, with verbal abuse being at the extreme end of the spectrum.  The old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is totally untrue.  Harsh words never die, and they can impact a person for a lifetime.  If you find that you are prone to speaking harshly when angry, begin to seek God for deliverance.  Whatever it takes, including enrolling in anger management classes, do it.  Solomon said He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city - Proverbs 16:32  You can begin to take control over that destructive behavior by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Remember that cutting words can never be recovered, so don't let harshness or verbal abuse be named among your character traits.  Make a decision that kindness will be one of the core principles of your life.

Today's Affirmation:

I open my mouth with wisdom.  The law of kindness is on my tongue.



The Know-It-All Tongue {Day 15} - halfway there!!!

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Fifteen - The Know-It-All Tongue

A prudent man conceals knowledge - Proverbs 12:23

Are you so all-knowing that you cannot refrain from giving unsolicited input?  Do you have an unusually high regard for your opinion?  Do you regularly use the expression, "You should...?"  Please allow me to gently remind you that most emotionally healthy people will resent someone who always assumes he knows what is best for them.  We must give people the benefit of the doubt in pursuing an independent course of action.  Even if you feel you have earned the right to speak into someone's life or to give unsolicited advice, proceed with caution.  "Have you ever considered...?" sounds a lot less controlling and will be more welcomed -- especially by men -- than "You should..."  Married women, take heed!  Real men aren't looking for a mother. 

Even if you have knowledge and insight into a certain situation, sometimes it's prudent to keep silent and give another the joy and fulfillment of explaining it to you.  Wise people don't make a show of their knowledge - Proverbs 12:23  Assuming the role of the arrogant expert on almost every topic is a sure indication of pride, which is repulsive behavior to God and man.

How do you let go of that know-it-all tongue?  You can start by letting someone share information with you that you already know -- without letting him know that you know it.  This can be great training in humility and emotional maturity.

Even if you are brilliant but humble, your mere presence may cause those with low self-esteem to feel inferior.  Certainly, then, displaying intellectual superiority will alienate others.  Some people may look for areas of weakness to "cut you down to size."

If you tend to be a know-it-all, maybe you need to do a little honest introspection.  Is your display of knowledge a smoke screen for insecurity?  Are you craving attention or appreciation because you are not getting it from the source you desire?  When interacting with a group, you might want to actively listen to others, ask for their ideas, resist correcting or contradicting anybody, and limit your input to only one or two points.  Your interpersonal relationships will improve when people feel that interacting with you has been a mutual sharing of ideas.

Today's Affirmation:

I am prudent and therefore do not flaunt my knowledge.

This was a very timely devotion.  I needed to hear this.  I've been told many times in my life that I don't always have to be right and I don't know everything.  I've also been told, recently, that it's hard to carry on a conversation with me because I'm constantly interrupting and "already know" what the other person will say.  I look forward to practicing listening more, asking for their ideas and stop interrupting, correcting or contradicting what they share.  I want my interpersonal relationships to improve, I want people to feel comfortable around me and feel as if we've had a mutual sharing of ideas. 



The Cynical Tongue {Day 14}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Fourteen - The Cynical Tongue

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful - Psalm 1:1

A person who is cynical scorns the motives of others.  Cynicism is like venom; it poisons the atmosphere wherever it is present.  Resorting to it will also poison your spirit and that of others.  Find one cynical employee, parishioner, or family member, and pretty soon those with weaker minds are chiming in and perpetuating the negative conversation.  It can wreak havoc on any relationship and in any environment.  Distancing oneself from a cynic is sometimes the best strategy for coping.

As you proceed on your tongue fast, really begin to observe your comments in various settings and determine if you are being cynical or scornful.  Retire from cynicism today.

Today's Affirmation:

I am blessed because I do not walk in the counsel of the ungodly nor stand in the way of sinners nor sit in the seat of the scornful.



The Belittling Tongue {Day 13}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Thirteen - The Belittling Tongue

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen - Ephesians 4:29

Do people feel better about themselves after spending time with you?  Or are your expectations so high that you focus on their shortcomings rather than their assets?  If someone speaks well of a person you envy, do you follow up with a disparaging remark?  Therefore, encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 

Words are like a hammer; they can be used in the demolition as well as the construction process. They can tear down or they can build.  How do you use your words mostly?  Is it your normal behavior to build? 

During your tongue fast, conquer belittling by acting as if you are a cheerleader and a coach to your family members, employees, coworkers, and others in your sphere of interaction.  Cheerleaders tell you that you can do it; coaches tell you how to reach the goal.  They all have the same goal:  They want you to win!

If you tend to be one of those hard driving, goal-oriented people, coaching may be a challenge initially.  Perhaps you are from the school of thought that believes an employee's paycheck is encouragement enough -- especially if he is more than adequately compensated.  Beware! Thou art stuck in the stone ages ans in dire need of a mindset change.  If you want to maximize productivity, then learn how to build up your employees.  A little positive affirmation, some hand-holding, and lots of communication will often yield the productivity and the loyalty that may not accompany the cocky superstar.

Make it a habit to affirm your family members and friends.  Tell your wife she is the only woman for you, express your appreciation for your husband's sense of responsibility, applaud your teenagers for avoiding drugs and alcohol, thank a friend for keeping your secrets!  Resist the temptation to constantly "fix" something about them.  Accept them as they are and remember that you only have them for a season.

Today's Affirmation:

No unwholesome talk comes out of my mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

The Betraying Tongue {Day 12}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Twelve - The Betraying Tongue

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret - Proverbs 11:13

Betrayal is a more blatant act than gossip.  A gossip may not necessarily harbor any ill will toward his victims: however, a betrayer divulges information to the "enemy" and commits relational treason by violating the trust someone has placed in him.  This ungodly use of the tongue is designed to hurt or disadvantage.

Judas was able to betray Jesus with very little effort because he was familiar with His comings and goings.  Now Judas, who betrayed him, knew the place, because Jesus had often met there with his disciples - John 18:2  Judas used his inside knowledge of Jesus' habits to hurt Him.  Later, his betrayal caused Judas such self-loathing that he committed suicide.  Such an act must surely eat away at one's self-esteem and sense of dignity. 

Have you ever betrayed someone's confidence?  Be honest.  Why did you do it?  What was your payoff?  Did you gain some advantage because of it?  Were you feeling envious at the time?  Was there an unresolved conflict between the two of you?  Have you repented for this sin?

On the other hand, has someone betrayed your confidence?  Were you reaping what you had sown?  What valuable lesson did you learn from the incident?  Have you released the offender in your heart and no longer desire vengeance?  If not, you are still bound to him and he is still controlling your life.  Let it go.  God saw the betrayal before it happened and while  it was happening.  Since He chose not to intervene, accept it as part of His sovereign plan for your life.  Learn from the burn, but forgive to live.  Remind yourself that in the final analysis, the incident will work together for your good because you love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Decide today to strive to be a trustworthy person whom others can depend upon to guard their secrets.  If you are blessed to have a trustworthy friend, thank God for such a rare jewel.

Today's Affirmation:

I am a trustworthy person and can be depended upon to keep a confidence.



The Meddling Tongue {Day 11}

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue - What you say (and don't say) will improve your relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues

Day Eleven - The Meddling Tongue

Some of you are living idle lives refusing to work and wasting time meddling in other people's business - 2 Thessalonians 3:11

Unlike gossips, meddlers usually seek personal information directly from their subjects.  "How can you afford such an expensive item?" "What size is the dress you're wearing?" "How much did you pay for this house?" "How long can you afford to be off from work?"  These are the types of questions that serve no other purpose than to satisfy an inquiring mind.  In all fairness, not everyone who makes inquiries is meddling.  Many are sincerely interested in helping others.

Whether you are genuinely concerned or just plain curious, be especially careful to avoid probing questions when conversing with those who are ill.  "What did the doctor say about your condition?"  Bad question.  It is best to wait for someone to volunteer detailed information about his personal health.

If you are prone to natural curiosity, you must make a special effort to keep your inquisitiveness within the bounds of what is socially and spiritually appropriate.  In some situations you may have no intentions of prying: however, you may still run the risk of your inquisitiveness offending others.

The Bible offers an interesting perspective on meddling - He who passes by and meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a dog by the ears - Proverbs 26:17 - A dog's ears are one of the most sensitive parts of his body;  if you pull them, he may bite you.  Likewise, when we stick our noses where they do not belong, we may get a negative response.  Even if you feel you have earned the right to stick your nose into a situation, walk softly.  You might want to pray about it first and leave the matter to God.  He is always better at influencing circumstances than we are.

If you are a parent, some meddling is certainly in order to keep your inexperienced, live-at-home children from going down the wrong path.  Don't be afraid of their negative attitudes or their rejection.  In the final analysis, most of them will appreciate your intervention.  If your children have reached adulthood, try to accept the fact that grown-ups do not need parenting.  The law of sowing and reaping the consequences of bad decisions is still one of the most effective teachers of life's lessons.  Give them space to learn.

If you are indeed a genuine meddler, know that God does not consider your nose-poking a small matter.  He classifies this sin --yes, sin-- with murder and stealing. If you suffer, however, it must not be for murder, stealing, making trouble, or prying into other people's affairs - 1 Peter 4:15 

When tempted to meddle, why not engage yourself in a little self-interrogation?  Ask yourself, "Do I have a sincere, unselfish motive for prying into this matter, or am I attempting to control things for my desired objectives?"  Someone once said that one reason why people who mind their own business are successful is that they have so little competition.  Think about that!

Today's Affirmation:

I am genuinely interested in others and only seek information from them that will allow me to serve, love, and support them better.